BREAKING NEWS:
Mark Stephens’ glaucoma has been officially reclassified as Selective Accountability Blindness — a rare condition in which vision is completely obliterated by things like job applications, OFW messages, and court orders… yet miraculously restored when there’s a pickleball court, a GoPro, and an audience of strangers.

It’s truly a medical marvel.
This is the same man who claims his failing eyesight makes him unable to work, unable to drive, unable to even read a message asking how his kids are doing. But hand him a paddle, toss a neon ball into the night sky, and suddenly the man’s vision sharpens like a hawk spotting prey from 200 feet.

Interesting coincidence:

• Can’t see a paycheck? ✅
• Can’t see a parenting obligation? ✅
• Can’t see a court-appointed therapist’s phone number? ✅
• Can see a 40-mph pickleball at night from across the court? ✅✅✅

One might wonder: does pickleball emit some kind of healing light wave that penetrates the optic nerve only during recreational play? Or does “blindness” just conveniently flare up any time a task involves responsibility instead of applause?

And hey — maybe those stadium lights on the court are the answer. Too bad they don’t make courtroom stadium lights so he could see his contempt filings, or child support stadium lights so he could read a bill.

Until then, expect Mark’s vision to remain in this curious, highly selective state — legally blind on Monday morning when work starts, but ESPN-ready by Friday night when the ball drops.

Diagnosis: Glaucoma? Maybe.
Prescription: Less pickle, more parenting.