The Gospel According to Mark (Anthony Stephens)

In the Book of Self-Pity, Chapter Infinite, Verse Unverified, we find our prophet Mark scrolling Facebook at 2 AM, searching for the phrase “alienated parent.” And lo, he stumbled upon a divine revelation: “God Himself is the most alienated parent in the world.”

And in that moment, the heavens did not open.
No angels sang.
But Mark did hit Share Post.

He spoke to his followers (a congregation of three bots and an MLM recruiter) declaring:

“God understands me. He too was falsely accused, rejected, and misunderstood!”

Indeed, Mark. But the difference is this: God didn’t lose visitation rights because He refused to take a psychological evaluation or gaslit His own creation into a mental health spiral.

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Heaven’s Family Court: The Almighty’s Custody Hearing

In Mark’s theology, even the Almighty apparently stood before a judge named CPSiel (Child Protective Seraphim), explaining why He hadn’t been in touch with His children lately.

CPSiel: “So, Lord, it says here You haven’t shown up to any mandated evaluations since Genesis. Care to explain?”
God: “Well, you see, I’m working on My image right now.”
CPSiel: “Sir, that’s not the kind of image we meant.”

But unlike Mark, God didn’t start a Facebook page about His “unjust alienation” from Adam and Eve, nor did He upload a reel about how Satan was really just a corrupt co-parent conspiring against Him. God didn’t make ‘Heavenly Fathers United’ merch or film TikToks under the username @KingdomServantsRisingUpInCourt.

No, that’s all Mark. The man who thinks alienation is persecution and accountability is crucifixion.

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When Self-Projection Becomes Divine Revelation

Mark’s sermon claims that, like God, he too has been “targeted, misrepresented, and falsely accused.” But where God’s “false accuser” was Lucifer, Mark’s is every judge, doctor, teacher, therapist, and child who’s ever told the truth.

In this twisted gospel, Mark believes he’s the Holy Victim of an Unholy System — crucified not for sin, but for parenting evaluations. He’s a martyr for men who “just don’t wanna do the work,” complete with Bible verses repurposed to justify inaction.

But let’s be clear:
God didn’t lose visitation rights because Gabriel reported Him to CPS.
God didn’t get a no-contact order because He told Michael the Archangel that “soybeans make you gay.”
God didn’t force Jesus to sign a contract denying His diagnosis.

That was all Mark — Father of Lies, Lord of the DARVOs, Patron Saint of Projection.

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The Church of Self-Pity Welcomes You

Step right up, repentant followers. Service begins every hour on the hour, livestreamed on Facebook Live with the caption “They Tried to Break Me But God Made Me Stronger 💪✝️.”

There’s no collection plate — just a link to Mark’s cash app for “ministry donations.”
The hymns are all country remixes about victimhood.
The communion bread is gluten-free resentment.
The wine? Straight-up delusion, aged in barrels of denial.

And at the end of every service, the prophet himself stands before the mirror, arms stretched wide, whispering, “Forgive them, Father, for they have documented me.”

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Final Benediction

If God is the “most alienated parent,” then Mark is His unpaid intern — the cosmic case study in what happens when narcissism mistakes itself for divine purpose.

God didn’t lose His children; He gave them free will.
Mark lost his because the courts took theirs back.

So let the record show:
God remains omnipresent.
Mark remains online.

And both are waiting for their followers to finally stop believing everything they post.